You know another thing that has always bothered me about most doula’s websites and the industry in general? How hetero-normative it all seems. In addition to soft colors and happy families sprawled across the screen they are almost always straight couples. Now sometimes agencies will put up a POC or a POC family up as tribute to diversity, but if you poke around their site, you can always tell when they are doing to for diversity points only. It’s frustrating and doesn’t feel too good as someone who identifies more on the gender non-binary than the fem side of things.
I can remember, when I first started off as a doula looking into who my competition is and really being overwhelmed at the large amount of ultra-fem sites. Like, I had to step away from the screen because all I saw was fawning pregnant cis-gendered women lightly caressing their pregnant belly with the biggest smile on their face. Now anyone who has been pregnant knows that this is just a marketing ploy. Some people get lucky with pregnancy, but some others do not. And pregnancy is not like to calm serene pictures that you find. It can be uncomfortable, painful even. Some suffer so much with nausea. Nausea so bad that it never ceases but continues well past the first trimester.
My body literally felt icky looking at all the cis-gendered happy people on the doula websites. This is not to knock these people, but to show that not everyone is the same. Not everyone wants or even embodies the ‘normal’ pregnancy experience. That’s why I’ve made it an effort to find queer birth doulas, to follow them and to befriend them. Because it feels better to be with people who you fit in with. It feels better to be with people who don’t use unnecessary gendered language. Who have a shared experience with maybe not fitting in. Who are more sensitive to others or who are a bit more radical in their political and social leanings. These types of people are my favourite.
Sadly, I haven’t met a whole lot a queer or non-binary doulas in real life. Most are in IG or some other social media, but I really wish I could have more in-person experiences with people like me. Also I really hope that pregnant people realize that there are support options out there for them. Support that looks like them, has the same values as them. This is so important for minority groups and it feels so empowering when you do not have to explain yourself, you can just be.
It’s been hard for me to just ‘be’ in my life. Maybe that’s why I felt the pull into non-traditional birthwork. The thought of me going into an office… no. Just no. It can be hard to choose a profession that seems to fall just outside the standard path most people take, but I am so glad I did.
