I wrote recently about stepping away from being a doula and while on one hand I’m disappointed in myself (I don’t like quitting!) I’m really glad.
I was stretched too thin and ended up putting a lot of weight on. It’s because I was expected to support my kiddo overnight (they’re a terrible sleeper) AND work out of the house AND do all the house things that my partner just simply didn’t do.
Giiiiiiiiiirllllllll, let me tell you I was MAD. This man did no housework and still made me pay for house related things. Fuck that shit. After several blowup arguments we finally came to a situation where I wasn’t draining myself literally 24/7.
Why was I pissed? Because along with everything I mentioned, his career took off while I was struggling. And this man didn’t share the wealth at all. Like his income went up by like 70K in like three years.
I now have a retirement account that he fully funds. Over 36k in it now.
And he’s paying for everything. Like 90% because that man brings in so much money and I’m STILL doing the crappy overnights with our son. Like, sir, can you just fuck off? I know having a baby can put a relationship in jeopardy, but I never thought a grown-ass man would let his partner suffer for so long. Fucking patriarchy.
So, when things are going well I’m trying to find myself again. And I’ve wrote about some gyms that I love, but one thing I really want to do is to get back on the tennis court. But again I have this internal dilemma because tennis is a skinny white person sport and while I am still two of those three things, skinny is not one of them.
It seems like tennis has gotten more and more elitist since my childhood. Maybe the disparity seems greater than reality because I grew up on poorly maintained city-run courts. There were always weeds growing through cracks in the pavement, or gates that didn’t close all the way, but there were still courts, and it was first come, first serve (lol, pun intended!).
And I never had problems finding a court to practice on. But now? It’s a whole lot different. Now there are tennis court booking software apps that you have to download because it seems like all the courts have clubs associated with them? Granted I’m no longer in my small town of my youth, but there’s like schedules and the availability of finding an open court, especially on the weekend? It’s hard.
I would love to start banging out groundstrokes again, I’m not sure if I can muster up the courage to fit my now heavier postpartum body into a white tennis outfit. Ugh, I hate this. I just want my life back, my body back, and my good mental health back. I know that I need to move my body in order to feel good, but the lack of sleep and the self-consciousness is making it hard. And it’s early summer too, so the weather has been exceptionally beautiful. I need some sun.
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